Where We Belong
by EvvieJo
Summary: Being adopted by an Amish family and being gay at the same time can be challenging. Especially when the cute guy you have a crush on is the bishop's son. - AU, Amish!Klaine
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Kurt huffed, rolling his eyes prominently in hope the bishop would notice. Nobody else ever wanted to anger the bishop, but to Kurt that was one of few sources of entertainment during Sunday service that was always dragging out to eternity.

He hated every second he spent on listening to the never-ending sermons every other week. This world that was literally backwards had already managed to make him bitter beyond his seventeen years. Puberty had only made his irritability more prominent, and now it was reaching its peak. He hated puberty almost as much as he hated the church. Everything that adolescence entailed was bad: the months of terrible complexion, the voice change that never really came, school ending (and unlike ninety per cent of fourteen-year-olds, he had truly loved learning), and working at the farm. Apart from all those disasters, there came the greatest one, even though he refused to see it as such.

From a very young age Kurt knew something was different about him. At first he'd thought it was because he was adopted. Ultimately, it had to make him an outsider in some capacity at least. But when he reached the age of thirteen and all the boys in the village seemed to suddenly realise there were girls around them, Kurt drew a much different conclusion. The thought of growing up to marry one of those girls was entirely unappealing. The boys, on the other hand, were a different story. The boys were wonderful. The boys were the ones that his eyes were drawn to and made his hormones boil inside him. The boys were from whom he wished he could choose a spouse.

It took long months for him to find out there were other people like him, words to describe who he was, and to finally realise that outside of the community that wasn't something one would get shunned for. There were even places where he could actually get married to a man, and he made it his life's mission to one day leave this goddamned village behind, find someone nice and have a beautiful English wedding with a man. He was counting the days till his eighteenth birthday, saving every penny for the trip to get the life he'd always dreamt of.

His thoughts drifted off to the plans he'd been making for years, and his eyes wandered absently to the benches where the men of the Anderson family were sitting. He stopped the sigh that tried to escape from his mouth just in the nick of time. There was no need to draw his father's attention, especially as he was focusing his gaze on the beautiful hazel-eyed boy with a mop of shiny curls.

Blaine Anderson had been the object of Kurt's secret affection for some months now. He was probably the kindest person Kurt had ever known, with a gentle smile and eyes that lit up the whole room. His arms were muscled and strong from physical work, making Kurt want to touch them, touch him, so badly he sometimes had to grit his teeth together not to act upon his _sinful _feelings_. _After all, Blaine was also the bishop's youngest son, the reverent boy, completely faithful to the Amish teachings. The chances that somehow he would be attracted to another boy, let alone to Kurt, were awfully slim. So Kurt took as much pleasure from watching Blaine from afar as he could. There was no harm in imagining to be combing his fingers through Blaine's curls, was there?

Then, suddenly, the dark-haired boy turned his eyes to Kurt, just for a fleeting little moment. His lips tugged upwards at the corners in that soft smile that always made Kurt's chest grow warm. Kurt smiled back before turning his eyes away, his cheeks flooding with bright pink.

* * *

Blaine could tell somebody was watching him. That strange heavy feeling of somebody's gaze on him was strong, but somehow not entirely unwelcome. It took a great amount of self-discipline for him to resist glancing in the direction where he sensed the watcher would be seated. But the gaze was boring into him too intensely to ignore it, and finally he gave in, stealing a glimpse to the right.

The most beautiful blue eyes he'd ever seen were definitely glued to him. Almost involuntarily, Blaine smiled shyly at Kurt.

It made him feel guilty to think this way of Kurt Hershberger. It was wrong. It was girls' eyes that he was supposed to admire, those doors to his potential future wives' souls. His father kept on reminding him that soon enough he should start courting some nice girl, preferably one of their neighbours, Hannah, whose family had much land and only one son and two daughters.

Blaine couldn't deny, Hannah was a lovely girl with a round face and dimples in her cheeks. But looking at her felt much like looking at his sisters. He felt nothing but mild friendliness and kindness for her. He tried to evoke stronger feelings for other girls in himself, encouraged by his friends' first crushes, to absolutely no avail.

But every time he looked at Kurt, his heart began to flutter, a fuzzy feeling almost making his chest explode. And if Kurt returned his gaze, God, it made him feel like the happiest person in the world. Until he reminded himself it was wrong, it was a sin, it was the forbidden fruit to ever wonder what it would be like to kiss those full lips, to hold those hands...

He glanced at his father, who was completely consumed by the sermon he was giving, and sighed with relief. Blaine would rather not have his father angry with him for not paying attention to the service. What was going on in his head had to stay inside it, no one could ever know. If they found out... He'd be shunned, disowned, he'd lose everything. He'd be the disappointment his father had always told him he was. That was something Blaine simply couldn't bear.

So reluctantly and languidly, he turned his gaze away from Kurt, the weight of the blue eyes on his body still almost tangible, even though they weren't resting on him anymore.

* * *

The service dragged out so long that when lunch finally came, Kurt was half-starved to death. As soon as the last song died, he was at the richly set tables. Food was one of few highlights of Sunday service, especially on weeks like this one, when the hostess was an excellent cook. Kurt usually wasn't too keen on overeating, but after three hours worth of bullshit, he believed he deserved a treat. Even if that meant he would have to work a little harder on Monday to burn the surplus calories. Fat was something he detested on his body. He'd had enough of the baby kind until too recently to like the thing in any form or on any part of his body.

He was just munching on his second helping of snitz pie, when someone stopped to his left, catching his attention. It felt as if his eyes were drawn magnet-like to the person next to him.

Blaine was standing with his hands dug deep into his pockets, apparently trying to seem relaxed. He wasn't very convincing; his shoulders were tense, his tiny smile twitching nervously.

'Hi,' Kurt choked out, almost spluttering his pie onto the other boy.

'Hi,' Blaine muttered. 'I- I just came to get a slice.'

He gestured vaguely towards the pie, without looking in the direction. The courage he'd built up during the remaining of the service was entirely gone. And he hadn't even planned on doing anything inappropriate! He only wanted to talk to Kurt. The last time they had a proper conversation had been too long ago to even count.

Kurt moved a little to the side, glancing furtively at Blaine, embarrassed for his awkwardness, but delighted by the other boy's closeness. For a split second, their bodies touched, hip to hip, as Blaine leant to get his pie. Kurt had to smother a gasp and almost choked on his half-chewed mouthful.

Blaine shivered, the touch half exciting, half terrifying.

A couple of furtive glances were exchanged, the boys' cheeks matching in shades of ruby. They ate their dessert in silence, standing arm in arm next to the already nearly abandoned table. Everyone around them was engaged in gossip, idle chit-chat or profound discussions of the day's sermons.

'I- I guess I'm gonna get some air,' Kurt mumbled, putting away his plate, and hesitated. 'Would you- Would you wanna join me?'

A genuinely joyful smile broke out on Blaine's lips.

'Sure, I'd love to.'

They made a bee line through the crowd towards the door, Blaine following Kurt closely behind. The air outside was crisp and chilly, the last ribbons of morning fog persisted over the fields. Here and there patches of fresher green could be spotted where new grass was beginning to grow. They strolled lazily into the orchard next to the house, and Kurt ran his fingers gently over the tiny budding leaves of an apple tree. He couldn't wait for nature to come back to life. The beautiful spring landscape of Holmes County was after all uniquely serene and breathtaking.

'Did you like the sermons today?,' Blaine asked tentatively, terrified he was the one breaking the silence.

Kurt sent him a sceptical look.

'No idea. I wasn't listening,' he answered in English, which caught Blaine off guard.

'Oh. So what were you doing in there for three hours?' Blaine didn't attempt switching the language back.

With a roll of the eyes and a smirk, Kurt turned to him.

'Nothing. Thinking. Watching- people.' He shrugged.

'What's so interesting in people that you would watch them?'

Kurt bit his lip, stopping the words that were threatening to boil over. _Your eyes, your lips, your face, your arms, your legs, your adorable hair, your chest, your everything_, he thought.

'You know, quirks. Your dad spits a lot when he's giving a sermon.'

A tinge of pink coloured Blaine's cheeks.

'He's passionate about it, I guess.'

'Sure he is.'

'So that's what you were thinking about? My father drooling over the congregation?'

They chuckled in unison, before realising they were right next to each other again. Kurt could feel Blaine's warm breath on the side of his neck.

Blaine's hands began to shake, so he crossed his arms over his chest.

'I wasn't thinking about your father,' Kurt mumbled eventually.

'What about then? If it's not a secret?'

Kurt sighed, taking a few steps forwards, just to be sure he was too far away to accidentally kiss Blaine. And, god, he wanted to so, so badly.

'You know I'm adopted, right?' Why did he even ask that? Everybody in this hellhole knew.

'Um, yeah, I know.'

He turned abruptly to Blaine, startling him. There was something oddly burning in those glasz eyes.

'Have you ever felt like you don't belong? Like you'd be better off elsewhere?' Kurt's voice sounded almost like an accusation.

'I guess. Doesn't everyone every once in a while?,' Blaine said rhetorically. A more definite answer was out of the question.

'I feel like that all the time. I hate this fucking place.'

Blaine flinched at the four-letter-word, but didn't say anything about it.

'Hate? Isn't that a bit much?,' he asked quietly.

'No,' Kurt replied firmly. 'I hate everything here. The church, the lack of civilisation, the horseshit wherever you go, the fucking buggies, the clothes, the people...'

His voice trailed off as he realised that in "people" he unintentionally included Blaine. The hazel eyes looked like someone turned off their light.

'All people?,' Blaine said weakly.

'Not all. Most of them. Not you.'

Blaine looked up at him with a frown.

'Why not me?'

Kurt shrugged dismissively.

'Could anyone hate you? You're Blaine, everyone loves you.'

A bitter laugh escaped Blaine's lips.

'Not everyone.' Querying blue eyes drilled into him for a good minute until he continued. 'It's just that- with every next one of us, my Dad's more demanding. He wants us to be better. Like we're some kind of machine that gets more perfect with each generation. Cooper could always do whatever he wanted. When he was my age, he even got drunk senseless, and still got away with a slap on the wrist. I get berated even if I forget to put on my hat when I go to the shed or to the barn.'

'Sorry,' Kurt said. If he'd ever liked the bishop, he'd probably reconsider it now.

'So, to answer your question, yes, I sometimes feel like I don't belong. Like I'm too flawed to be an Anderson.'

Kurt smiled sadly at him.

'Guess it's good to know I'm not the only one to think that here.'

'Yeah, I guess.'

'But I'm going to leave,' Kurt added decisively. 'When I'm eighteen, I'm getting the hell out of here.'

'Where will you go?' Blaine could feel his heart imploding. Why was he even reacting like that? They weren't even really friends.

'I'm going to find my real father.'

* * *

**A/N:** This story has been brewing in my mind for months, ever since I stumbled upon _Breaking Amish_ on TV. I know, crappy reality TV, but it gave me inspiration to come up with all this.

What I suppose I should mention is that whenever I use the word _English_ in this fic – when it doesn't apply to the language – it most likely means _non-Amish_. Also, please, don't treat this as 100% accurate. My knowledge of the Amish is not perfect, but I've tried to do as much research as I could. Some things had to be quite un-Amish for the story to have this form (e.g. Blaine and Cooper's names aren't exactly classic Amish, but I can't really change those, can I?). The Amish characters mostly talk in Pennsylvania German between one another, unless indicated otherwise or unless it's Kurt and Blaine (Kurt feels like an outsider and uses English more often than the rest). Obviously, I'm not going to use the language, 'cause I can't speak it. Another thing, when I say the Sunday service takes place in a _house_, I mean an actual house. Typically, the Amish Sunday service takes place every other Sunday in a house of one of the families from the congregation. The families – usually those with big houses - take turns to host the church.

If you'd prefer me to give footnotes to all the things that might be confusing, do tell! I can pull that off. You can also always PM me and ask if you want to know something more of what I had in mind.

Another thing, it's not my intention to hurt anybody's feelings, so don't get offended if there's something not-terribly-religion-friendly. Those will mostly be Kurt's opinions, and not necessarily mine.

I also have to thank calmzone1 for being my beta and for the suggestions she's made that really helped me with developing the story and editing this chapter.

Lastly, I can't really guarantee very regular updates right now. I'll do my best, though!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Something changed. Neither Kurt nor Blaine could tell what it was, but both could sense a shift in the world. Maybe it was the unusually warm weather which surprised everyone so early in March, or maybe it was something else entirely. Either way, their spirits were lifted and sunk simultaneously. That strange fluttering in their stomachs was at times nauseating, but still miraculously pleasant. Kurt even started humming to himself absently as he fed the animals on Monday. He'd keep on doing so without realising it, if not for his younger sister Miriam, who told him very pointedly that singing was a sign of pride, unless directed to the heavens above.

So he tried to control himself. Usually, he wanted to pass by his family unnoticed. He'd always pick pissing other people off, not them. No matter how much he hated most of them for their small-mindedness, they still saved him from the foster system. And all he'd ever heard about _that_ made it seem like it wasn't a picnic even in comparison to being Amish.

Meanwhile, Blaine spent the first half of the week reliving that strange walk in the orchard with Kurt. It was thrilling to see the boy's figure from afar, as he tried to recall the exact dots and stripes in his irises, or the scent that rolled off his skin. He wished, ached even, to see Kurt again, to talk to him again. Yet every time he started heading towards the Hershbergers' farm, he stopped dead in his tracks, afraid of what could happen next.

The strong urge to be near Kurt was terrifying. It was difficult to even name it, but it was like a magnet, pulling him in Kurt's direction, entirely against his will. He never wanted to dream of holding Kurt's hand, kissing him even. That was never his wish. How could he want that? He was a man, Kurt was a man. It was sinful to even think of that.

Still the pull didn't wane. If anything, it grew stronger with each day that Blaine spent leaving his duties unattended to as he watched Kurt over the stretch of land that separated the Andersons' farm from the Hershbergers'.

On Thursday evening he gave up.

Work was done for the day, but the dinner wasn't still quite ready. Kurt loved having this moment to himself. In a normal house, he'd offer his help with setting the table, but here it was his mother and sister that took care of all the kitchen work. So he used the free time to be alone and whenever the weather was nice enough, he would stroll to the lonely old oak tree at the edge of their property. Sometimes he'd even catch a glimpse of Blaine in the distance.

To his surprise, though, that night he barely managed to settle heavily on the ground, when he noticed a figure coming briskly his way through the Andersons' rye field with his hat in his hand. The bouncing curls made Kurt's heart skip a beat.

Without a word, Blaine came up all the way to the tree and sat crossed-legged next to Kurt.

'Nice to see you, too?,' Kurt offered, eyeing Blaine in astonishment.

'Hi.' Blaine smiled shyly, unsure what to do or say.

'May I ask what you're doing here? You know, this is supposed to be my safe place, I'm not sure I want to let just anyone come here.'

The teasing in Kurt's voice was obvious, making Blaine's nervousness ease a little.

'Am I just anyone? You said yourself you hate everyone but me, so-'

His voice trailed off into silence. Was that flirting? Was he _flirting_ with a _boy_?

Kurt chuckled, pleasantly surprised that Blaine remembered his words and the easy charming tone he used.

'I guess I might have said something along the lines,' Kurt admitted. 'But you still haven't answered my question. To what do I owe the honour of having you here?' He waved his hand in the deepest bow he could pull off without standing up.

'Can't a friend visit another friend?,' Blaine asked, as his eyes escaped through the fields and away from Kurt.

'Point is, I don't think we really qualify as friends. We went to school together for seven years, yeah, but beside that, I think we actually talked like five times.'

A barely noticeable trace of longing crept into his voice, but he felt like he was screaming it on top of his lungs.

'How many people have you told you wanted to leave, though?'

Kurt bit his lip in embarrassment, before mumbling out the answer.

'One.'

'See? The things you told me, these are things people tell their friends. And I don't think you have many more of them.'

'No use to be mean,' Kurt grumbled back. 'Other people wouldn't understand.'

He snuck a glance at Blaine, whose face scrunched up in a frown.

'Why do you think I would?'

''Cause you're understanding.' Kurt shrugged, unsure he even knew what he meant. 'You're not judgemental. You're not- You're not so fucking stupid, or narrow-minded like all of them.'

'I don't know if I should take it as a compliment, or an insult to the whole community,' Blaine said after a moment's consideration, hoping for Kurt's answer to be the former.

'Take it however you like, it's the truth.'

Silence fell between them, along with a gradually deepening darkness. Blaine leant on the oak's broad trunk, his shoulder brushing against Kurt's. They were so close, too close again, eyes sparkling in the soft spring dusk.

'Why do you think I'm not judgemental?,' Blaine finally asked in a whisper. Speaking any louder right now would feel like screaming.

'Are you?,' Kurt breathed back.

There was so little space between them his head was spinning, and if there ever was a daredevil in him, it was in that moment.

'I don't- I don't think I am,' Blaine stuttered.

His gaze fell to that mouth that was all too close for their own good. He licked his lips, imagining what Kurt's would taste like.

A second later he didn't have to imagine anything.

It felt strange in the best possible way. Kurt's mouth locked gently on Blaine's for a few seconds, but that was enough to send their brains in spirals and their hearts in ill-paced races. They broke apart shakily, gasping for breath, stunned and still blissful.

'Are you?,' Kurt repeated the question, forcing Blaine into eye contact with his hand cupping the other boy's chin.

'No.'

Somewhere behind the tree and their backs, a woman's voice echoed, calling Kurt.

'I have to go,' he whispered, pushing a stray curl away from Blaine's forehead. 'Same time tomorrow?,' he offered tentatively.

For a second Blaine hesitated, making Kurt fully aware that right now a refusal would break his heart beyond repair. He cursed himself internally for getting his hopes up and acting on his feelings.

'Same time tomorrow,' Blaine answered finally in a shaky voice.

And with a brush of lips against Blaine's cheek, Kurt ran off into the night.

* * *

**A/N:** Sorry the chapter's short, but on the upside, I probably wouldn't manage to update the story if it was longer.

Thank you for all the feedback I've gotten for this story so far! It means the world to me.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

The next day Blaine showed up under the oak tree a long while before Kurt. He'd been fidgety all morning, and by the time afternoon rolled around, he was positively shaking. His thoughts were swirling in his mind without order, jumping from one extreme to the other.

One side of him wanted to punch Kurt for what he had done. He crossed a line. The kiss was entirely unacceptable. Why would he even do that? It was wrong, simply _wrong_, and Blaine knew that. That was what he was always taught.

The other side of him couldn't stop marvelling at how _right_ it had felt. How their lips seemed to match together perfectly for the few seconds they were linked. And the last thing he could ever do was to hurt Kurt in any way.

Kurt could see Blaine pacing to and fro by the oak tree from all the way back at the farm. As soon as he could, he started through the fields, his pace picking up with every step that took him closer to Blaine. There was no way to foresee what the other boy would tell him. Maybe he'd ruined the semblance of a friendship he was beginning to have with him? He shouldn't have rushed into anything.

But now everything was done and it was too late to go back. So he was going forwards, almost running the last few yards.

They stopped opposite each other in silence. Blaine clenched and unclenched his fists, the battle within him still not ceasing.

'Why did you do that?,' he asked eventually.

No explanation was needed.

'Because I wanted to.'

Blaine scoffed, turning away and starting to pace again.

'Have no one ever told you you shouldn't do everything you want to do?,' he almost shouted.

'I suppose someone might have mentioned that.'

There was no trace of guilt or remorse in his tone. It was driving Blaine crazy.

'Don't you think that was _wrong_? You shouldn't have done that! You shouldn't have made me-'

His voice trailed off helplessly.

'Made you what? I didn't make you kiss me back.'

'What? I did not-'

Words continued to fail him. He couldn't even force his legs to move anymore, so he didn't step back when Kurt crossed the short distance between them.

'You did, Blaine. I'm pretty sure you did. So don't bullshit me.'

Blaine hid his face in his palms and sat on the grassy ground. In a swift movement, Kurt joined him and patted him on the shoulder.

'I don't know what all this means,' Blaine mumbled, finally lifting his eyes back at Kurt. They were glistening with held back tears.

'You should probably be the one to determine this, but I'd guess you like boys.'

Blaine frowned.

'Like boys as it-'

'As in you're gay.' Kurt was still incredulous about his realisation. 'Just like I am.'

'But that's a sin. It's wrong, isn't it?'

'Oh, honey, you're in denial,' Kurt said, shaking his head. 'Did it feel wrong yesterday?'

Blaine opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. Did it feel that way? Did it?

'No,' he whispered finally.

Kurt nodded with an unsurprised expression. He couldn't help, though, to feel highly satisfied with himself for getting that confession out of a bishop's son.

'Do you really think I might be- gay?,' Blaine asked quietly.

Smiling sadly, Kurt rested his head on the tree trunk and turned his eyes to Blaine.

'You might,' he said. 'When you look at girls, what do you see?'

Blaine frowned in thought, and then shrugged his shoulders.

'Um- I don't know- girls?'

Kurt couldn't hold back a chuckle.

'That one's obvious. Do you see, really see, any details? Do you pay attention to their eyes, their legs, boobs, lips, the whole package, but kinda- separately?'

The neighbour Hannah appeared in a flash of image in Blaine's mind. He could barely recall that her hair was blonde and her eyes bright, he couldn't remember the exact colour. He could tell that she was wearing a blue dress and a dark apron the last time he saw her, but then he realised that every next Amish girl dressed like the last one.

'Uh. I guess not really,' he muttered almost inaudibly after a moment.

'What about guys?,' Kurt prodded gently.

'I have your eyes memorised,' Blaine said, only to feel a flush of heat on his reddening face. 'Um- that was awkward.'

But Kurt couldn't agree, he was still speechless from the unexpected, terribly romantic confession. That was more than he ever anticipated to hear. Not just from Blaine, from anyone. Especially while he was still here.

'Thank you, I guess,' he choked out at last. 'We can settle the case, then. Even if you don't like _boys_, you seem to like _a boy_.'

He bit his lip, waiting for a response. His heart was pounding so loudly he wasn't sure he would even hear Blaine speak.

'It seems like it.'

Even if Kurt hadn't heard it, he would've been perfectly able to read the meaning out of the burning hazel eyes. Unable to cut the eyes contact, he reached out his hand blindly, until it locked on Blaine's. The sudden touch startled the boy, but he didn't flinch away. The corners of his mouth curled up by a fraction, before his expression turned into one of confusion.

'What are we even doing here?,' Blaine said quietly.

'Sitting. Holding hands.' Kurt shrugged, despite the incredibility of the situation.

'I mean the bigger picture.'

To this Kurt didn't know the answer. Things were happening too fast to really make sense of them. It was dizzying and intoxicating.

'I guess normal people would call this a date,' Kurt ventured.

'Normal in what sense? If we were a boy and a girl?'

Kurt snorted.

'No, we _are_ normal. I meant non-Amish.'

'So it's courting,' Blaine blurted out, before realising it wasn't accurate at all. When he did, his heart suddenly sank.

'We can't really do that here,' Kurt said sadly, turning his face away.

They were silent for a while, watching the last rays of faint spring sun disappear beyond the horizon. In the silent field at sunset, it felt like they had been transported into another world, one that was peace, quiet and warmth.

'No one can ever know,' Blaine eventually broke the silence. 'About me, about us, about you. Can you promise me that?'

'I promise,' Kurt said solemnly, pulling Blaine into a one-armed embrace, the hands they were holding still linked.

'Only God will know.'

The breath against Kurt's neck was barely audible, but it reminded him that if there was one guy he should be scared of when it came to Blaine, it was God. If they were ever to part, religion would be the reason why.

But then Blaine backed out of the hug and cut Kurt's worries short with a kiss much deeper than the first one they shared. It was the tentative, exploratory kind of kissing that grows surer with experience, but whose beauty is in its awkwardness and the discoveries that come from the initial trials and failures.

And Kurt kissed him back as sloppily, instinctively opening his mouth and letting his tongue wonder along Blaine's sweet lips.

This time it was Mrs Anderson who interrupted them, her voice in the darkness making them jump apart. They exchanged one last peck on the lips and promised to see each other the next day. Same time, same place.

* * *

**A/N: **Thank you for all the feedback, guys!


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

Kurt really tried to contain his happiness, but no matter how much effort he put in it, a broad smile adorned his face. He could barely force himself not to dance his way back to the house, and to stop himself from singing on top of his lungs, he had to actually bite down on his knuckles. When he swung the back door open, he almost bumped into his brother Joe.

'What happened to you?,' Joe asked, raising his eyebrows. 'Did you get a girl to kiss you?,' he added conspiratorially.

Unable to hold back his amusement at the irony of the situation, Kurt laughed out loud. But what else could he have expected from Joseph? The guy wanted to start courting when he was in first grade. Of all the straight Amish men, he was the straightest.

'Nothing happened,' Kurt said as soon as he managed to control his laughter. 'It's spring. I love spring. I'm happy it's spring.'

He shrugged his shoulders, sneaking out of the kitchen and into the dining room where his adoptive mother and sister were just finishing setting the table for dinner.

'Kurt, dear, could you go get your father?,' Ruth asked him sweetly.

If he had to choose one of her qualities that he hated the most, it would be her sweetness. There was something painfully unnatural in always being this nice to everybody. Even the way she put her hands together in prayer was stickily, nauseatingly sweet. And that dumb little smile she always seemed to have plastered to her face made her look deranged.

Kurt rolled his eyes and obeyed the order. There was no need to ask where Abraham Hershberger could be right before dinner. It was obvious to all the family members that was the time he spent in the stable, either brushing the horses or giving them hay to graze on. He was a man in his mid-forties, with a shiny bald spot on top of his head and a carefully trimmed beard. Unlike his wife, he was full of genuine kindness, and unlike her, he had his moments of weakness to which he actually could confess.

If there was one person in the Hershberger family that Kurt could honestly call _his_ family, it was Abraham. He was the only person who never made him feel worse or unloved because of being adopted. All three of Ruth and Abraham's children, on the other hand, had become quite skilled at ignoring or dismissing him as a second-class family member.

Kurt stopped at the threshold of the stable, unwilling to get himself soaked in the stench. Whenever it was possible, he preferred admiring horses from afar.

'Father,' he said, watching Abraham brush the coat of their black mare. 'Dinner's ready.'

The man looked up, smiling at him and putting the brush away.

'How was your day, son?,' he asked, walking up to him and putting an arm around Kurt's shoulders.

'Good,' Kurt said, the big grin returning to his face. 'It was beautiful out today.'

'Still is.' Abraham tugged playfully at the brim of his son's straw hat. 'But it must have been particularly wonderful, 'cause you look like you've swallowed the sun.'

'Do I glow?' A tone of scepticism coloured Kurt's voice.

'Yeah, you do.'

And with that, he pushed the front door open, leaving a dumbfounded Kurt on the porch.

* * *

Blaine hoped his confusion would ease up after that second meeting under the oak tree. Instead, he felt like it was growing stronger. His conflicting emotions were battling within him, not letting go. He went from being euphoric to being miserable within seconds. His siblings eyed him with suspicion at the dinner table that night as he barely mumbled through grace and stayed silent for the rest of the meal.

He snuck upstairs as soon as his plate was more or less empty, claiming tiredness. His biggest hope was that sleep would give him relief from the mess that his thoughts had become.

But the moment he turned the gas lamp off and curled under his blankets, it was clear he wasn't going to get the peace and oblivion he was counting on. He was tossing and turning, remembering Kurt's soft lips on his and the tender touch of Kurt's fingertips on his face. His heart would begin to race anew, evoking that strangely pleasant burning sensation somewhere in his lower belly. He groaned, feeling how his pants get too tight.

This was not supposed to happen! He was thinking about a _guy_ for Christ's sake. Didn't he remember what the Bible said? Of course he did. Why was it happening, though? How could he feel that way about a guy?

What did Kurt tell him, though? That they were normal? A part of him wanted to reject that, tell himself there were Adam and Eve for a reason, but another side of him couldn't disagree with Kurt. As much as he felt different, he didn't feel abnormal, only misunderstood.

The tightness in his pants became almost painful and he bit his pillow, as he slid his hand down his belly to relieve that sensation. Another thing he wasn't supposed to do. Another sin that was going to get him to an eternity in the pit of hell.

But at this moment the thought of never-ending suffering and lack of salvation got pushed into the back of Blaine's mind. There was no way to stop him from thinking about Kurt. His eyes, his hands, his touch, his kisses. And that was enough for Blaine to come hard, barely choking the scream that wanted to escape his lips.

And in front of his eyes he could see Kurt smiling at him with satisfaction, his pupils blown, his lips moist and tempting. Blaine sighed, disappointed it was nothing but an illusion.

A creak at the door brought him back to reality, reminding him he was supposed to be asleep. His brother Joshua tiptoed into the room and towards his bed. He stopped uncertainly in the middle of their shared bedroom, his attention drawn by his little brother's uneven breathing.

'Blaine? You sleeping?'

'Trying to. You talking's not helping,' Blaine mumbled, faking sleepiness, even though he was still wide awake.

'Where did you go off to before dinner?,' Josh asked in a whisper.

'I-' Blaine hesitated. Lying didn't seem like a good idea. Just another sin to add to the already too long list. He wouldn't tell the whole truth, but not all of it was harmful. 'I was with Kurt Hershberger.'

'What for? I didn't know you two were friends.'

'We are.'

The mattress of Josh's bed groaned under his weight and his blankets rustled.

'What were you doing then?'

'Nothing. Talking about- stuff.'

'Girls?,' Josh asked mockingly.

'No. Nothing special. Just- stuff.'

'Talking's for girls. Unless it's about them.'

With that, Josh turned onto his side, wishing his brother goodnight and leaving him alone with his thoroughly mixed-up thoughts and guilt.

* * *

The sun was still shining brightly when they met under the oak tree the next day. They sat cross-legged on the ground, keeping their eyes away from each other and their hands put together in their laps. This way no one could suspect anything. They seemed to be just a couple of friends enjoying the free Saturday afternoon. Ironically, it was more acceptable for them to spend time together than it would be if they were a boy and a girl sneaking around.

'I told my brother I was seeing you,' Blaine said suddenly.

'What? I thought you didn't want anyone to know.'

Blaine shook his head vigorously.

'Not like that. I told him we were friends. Is that okay?'

Kurt's lips tugged up at the corners.

'Sure. I'm glad you did. I told my family I was going to see you today, too. They were being nosy.' He shrugged his shoulders. 'But I'd probably tell them everything, if you wanted that and if it didn't mean getting disowned on their terms instead of mine.'

'You'd risk being shunned for me?,' Blaine asked, unsure if he should feel touched or disconcerted.

'It's not like I'm not gonna be shunned after I leave anyway. I just don't want to get kicked out.'

The thought of Kurt leaving in just above two months made Blaine choke up. It had been only two days of their stolen kisses and half-secret rendezvous, and he already found it terrifying to think that would end. But then he tried telling himself it would be better that way. In two months he'd be free again, free of that sinful desire that was possessing him. He would be back to being a good Amish. He'd find a girl that would make him feel the way he was supposed to feel and they would get married. And before that could happen, he would be baptised this fall into the Amish faith.

For now he was ready to accept this, this strange bond he was developing with Kurt, his Rumspringa. He didn't need to taste alcohol, civilisation or English life, as long as he got these few sweet moments with Kurt. So he was going to enjoy it while it lasted.

The sun was beginning to set, casting reddish rays and basking them in the last of the day's warmth. Blaine put his hand gently on both of Kurt's that he had intertwined in his lap. It made him look up with wondrous eyes and the happiest little smile on his lips.

'Where are we going with this?,' Kurt asked in a whisper.

'We don't have to go anywhere. Can't we just stay the way we are? Seeing each other and stuff?'

'Stuff?' Kurt's eyes glinted mischievously.

Blaine rolled his eyes at him with a short giggle.

'You know what I mean.'

Kurt shifted to his knees, casting a glance at the deserted fields around them. It was growing darker and nobody could see them clearly from any of the houses in sight.

'Did you mean this?'

He cupped Blaine's cheek in his hand and kissed him deeply, his tongue brushing the other boy's lips and causing them to open. Their kisses were becoming less and less timid, more and more hungry. After a moment they lost their balance and Blaine's back hit the soft ground, as Kurt landed over him, breaking his fall with his hands.

They stared at each other with burning eyes for a long minute, gasping for breath and amazed.

'You're beautiful,' Blaine choked out finally.

Kurt blushed.

'I guess you should say handsome,' he teased.

'No, it doesn't cut it. You're beautiful, nothing else fits.'

'Thank you then,' Kurt said. 'So are-'

Before he could finish, though, Blaine's mouth on his cut him off, pulling him down, until their chests were almost flush against each other.

Suddenly, Blaine gasped in horror, pushing Kurt away. _This_ felt much more embarrassing when somebody else could feel it too.

'What?,' Kurt asked with a frown.

'Nothing, I-' Blaine glanced down, feeling his face burn. 'God, this is bad.'

'What is?'

'That.' He squeezed his eyes shut, pointing towards his crotch.

Kurt chuckled, hiding his face in the nape of Blaine's neck.

'This is not funny,' Blaine said indignantly.

'I know.' Even though Kurt's voice was muffled, it was easy to tell he was amused. He was still laughing when he looked up. 'Should I be embarrassed too, then?'

'You too?,' Blaine asked. 'This is so wrong. So embarrassing.'

'It's not. It's biology.' Kurt shrugged. 'We're human.'

'Is that supposed to absolve us?,' Blaine said dubiously.

'Who's talking about absolution? If this is how God made us, why should we be ashamed?'

Blaine smiled at the words. That night was the first when he slept well in a week.

* * *

**A/N:** So sorry for the long break in updates, but now I should be able to get back to updating once a week.

Rumspringa is the tradition of letting Amish youth explore the outside world before they decide to be baptised into the faith. Usually, it involves getting drunk and doing all sorts of things that are unacceptable to the community, without the consequence of being shunned. Most Amish teenagers go back to the community and are baptised after their Rumspringa.

If you have any other questions, don't hesitate to ask in a review or PM me.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Whenever there was no service on Sunday, the village emptied in three quarters as most of its inhabitants would go to attend church in the neighbouring congregation. Both the Andersons and the Hershbergers would bring out their buggies and travel the fifteen miles at the break of dawn to listen to sermons and praise the Lord in song.

The only member of the Hershberger family who consistently refused to go was Kurt. He was quite convinced that if God existed, he'd be perfectly fine with the Amish boring themselves half to death once every other week. For Kurt that was enough of a sacrifice, made only to get his family off his back.

To Blaine, Kurt's absence on those Sundays was glaring. He would always search the crowd in the hope he'd see the bright blue eyes and the porcelain skin that didn't get any darker regardless of how long Kurt had been working in the sun. But Kurt was never there.

So when opportunity presented itself to Blaine to stay behind that Sunday, he jumped at it without hesitation. Someone had to keep an eye on one of the Andersons' mares that was heavily pregnant and her going into labour seemed imminent. It was somewhat surprising to Blaine's family that he offered to skip church to take care of the boring and potentially difficult task, but the bishop was glad his youngest son was willing to take on some more responsibility.

What he didn't know was that his son was planning to spend the day with his new boyfriend.

As soon as the Andersons' buggies disappeared in the distance, Blaine bolted out the door. He was hoping that despite the early hour on Sunday and staying home, Kurt would already be up and about, and – more importantly – alone. The Hershberger farm was quiet when Blaine got there, panting from the run. He didn't know the property too well, only the spots where service and sings took place whenever it was the Hershbergers' turn to host the church. He went first to the barn, the pigsty and the stable, but without success. He was beginning to think that maybe, for whatever reason, Kurt did join his family for service this Sunday.

He was just going to check the house, when the front door opened and Kurt stopped on the threshold, folding his arms over his chest.

'Looking for something, mister?,' he asked playfully.

'You,' Blaine said with visible relief and jogged up the porch steps to meet Kurt. Without thinking, he pulled the other boy into an embrace, inhaling his scent.

'Didn't all of you go to church or something?,' Kurt said, pulling gently away.

'No, I'm on horse delivery duty.'

Kurt raised his eyebrows queryingly.

'You're delivering horses?'

'No, I just have to make sure one of our mares gives birth safe and sound. She may still not go into labour for days, but my dad wanted someone to stay.'

'And you volunteered?'

Blaine nodded with a shy smile, dropping his gaze to the floor.

'Do I sense an ulterior motive?,' Kurt asked.

'Yes, you do. I was hoping that- maybe- you'd want to come over to my place and hang out while everyone's out and I'm on duty?'

'I would.' Kurt paused, squinting his eyes. 'And by hang out you don't mean watch a horse in labour, right? 'Cause I'm not getting anywhere near a vagina, horse or human.'

Blaine blushed, unsure whether or not he should laugh at the blunt remark.

'Let's hope that won't be necessary,' he replied evasively. 'So- please?'

He made the best puppy dog expression he could muster. If there was any doubt left in Kurt, it melted away with that look.

'Okay, fine.' He rolled his eyes in feigned annoyance. 'As long as there are no vaginas, I'm in.'

'No vaginas,' Blaine confirmed with a bright smile, not even bothered by the word anymore.

With that, he grabbed his boyfriend's hand and tugged him down the steps.

It took them a few seconds to remember that they were in plain sight, but as soon as they did, they jerked their hands apart, exchanging apologetic looks. They tucked their hands in their pockets in an attempt to suffocate the desire to go back to the unacceptable expression of affection.

They walked through the fields in silence, their arms brushing against each other every once in a while. There was a rare serenity in the air; too few people remained in the village to even count and it felt as if the two of them didn't even have to hide. They stayed carefully apart nonetheless, just to be safe. One could never know when a gossipy neighbour would jump out from behind a barn or stable.

But when the door shut behind them, no one could touch them. Kurt couldn't resist and stole a quick kiss from Blaine, before glancing around the tiny hall. There were no ornaments, only rough, hand-carved furniture and a simple staircase in sight.

'I've never been to the bishop's house,' Kurt said. 'I wouldn't have thought I'd come here under such circumstances, though.'

'What circumstances?,' Blaine asked innocently.

'That I'd come here to make out with his son.'

'Make out? I thought I said _hang_ out.'

Kurt barked out a laugh.

'You did, but I hoped you meant something else.'

Blaine's expression fell a little and he bit his lip uneasily.

'Is that all you want from me?' His voice was barely audible, even though the house was completely silent.

'What? No!'

Kurt jumped up to him, cupping his face to make him look up at him.

'You sometimes act like you're after nothing else than, you know, making out,' Blaine said with resignation.

'I'm not,' Kurt assured him. 'I act like that, because- I don't know, I guess it's easier to hide how awkward I am. But it doesn't mean I'm here just for the kissing and stuff.'

'You're awkward?,' Blaine asked doubtfully. 'Have you met _me_?'

'I have. You're adorable. And I'm a good actor, I suppose.' Kurt shrugged. 'But if you're still not convinced, let's make a deal – I won't kiss you again until you let me.'

Blaine considered it, an involuntary smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

'Fine. No kissing. Hanging out, not making out.' He stopped for a second, perplexed. 'Then what _are _we going to do?'

'Hang out, like you said. Talk. Watch the horse.'

'I thought you wanted to stay away from that,' Blaine reminded him.

'Only when it's in labour. Trust me, as soon as that starts, I'm off.'

'That's a deal then.' He hesitated. 'What if I won't let you kiss me by then?'

'I'll still be waiting for it tomorrow.'

* * *

They kept their distance, careful not to get too close to each other as they wandered about the Anderson farm, checking up on the animals and doing whatever else Blaine had to take care of. They talked and laughed, the conversation flowing as easily as it used to back when they were just kids at school. It had been years since then and the time proved to be crucial in the way they saw each other, but despite that, not much had changed in how well they got along. The long while they spent barely interacting at all didn't mean a thing.

'Can I ask you something?,' Blaine said as they were sitting on the porch steps of the Anderson house. There was a sudden tone of solemnity in his voice.

'Sure. Shoot.'

'You're not very religious, are you? I mean-'

'You mean that I don't believe in God.'

Blaine opened his mouth to speak and hesitated. He didn't want it to sound the way it had sounded. He also didn't really know how to handle someone who not only didn't share his beliefs, but outwardly denied having any beliefs at all.

'I didn't- Yeah, uh, I guess that's what I mean.'

'Then no, I'm not religious,' Kurt confirmed. 'I just don't get how you can take everything for granted, or make yourself live without everything that normal people have for the illusion of living happily in heaven forever.'

'It's all in the Bible.' Blaine shrugged. 'And you know, that's why it's _faith_, not knowledge.'

'The Bible says many things,' Kurt countered. 'Leviticus says what we're doing, who we are is wrong and I refuse to believe that. I can tell right from wrong, and who we are is just _not_ wrong. And when it comes to faith- I just don't suppose I have it.'

Blaine stayed silent for a moment, letting Kurt's words sink in. One thing was certain – no matter what he did or did not believe, Kurt was a good person. He could be bitter and a little harsh with people, but he would never purposefully cause anyone harm. Aside from that, he was also quite convincing.

'I don't really agree with everything that's in the Bible either,' Blaine said finally. 'I mean, I don't think the earth just appeared as it is now on God's word. Not that God didn't create it, but the seven days thing doesn't seem plausible. And I don't agree with the stoning of adulterers and slavery in Leviticus.'

'How about the gay thing?,' Kurt asked seriously, his eyes peering into Blaine's.

The other boy sighed deeply. That was where he was torn. Everything that he knew, everything that he had been taught had been challenged by this strange magnetic feeling that he had for Kurt and that kept on growing stronger.

'I don't know. But it doesn't feel wrong, being with you. I feel- better around you than I do around anybody else.'

Kurt's face wrinkled in a wide smile.

'I hope you meant that.'

'I did.'

They stared at each other with eyes full of amazement for a moment. It felt more intimate than anything else they had ever experienced, as if they really were gazing deep into each other's souls. Unconsciously, they leant forward, until there were mere inches between their faces.

'Kiss me,' Blaine said softly.

'Not here.'

Blaine groaned, throwing his head back and almost hitting the banister behind him. Without waiting another second, he pulled Kurt up by the hand and through the door, finally pushing him against the wall of the dim-lit hallway.

'Kiss me,' he repeated.

And this time Kurt didn't protest.

A minute later the sounds of horses' hooves and buggy wheels on the dirt drive made them break apart, half in horror. Kurt gave Blaine one more quick peck on the lips, before putting his hand on the door knob.

'See you tomorrow? Like always?,' he asked.

'Sure.'

Kurt smiled at Blaine and opened the door, almost bumping into the bishop and his wife.

'Oh, good afternoon, sir, ma'am. I was just leaving,' he greeted them, immediately switching to Pennsylvania German.

The bishop acknowledged him with a tiny nod and let him through. Kurt turned around once more on the porch.

'See you, Blaine,' he said casually, and jogged down the stairs, ignoring the rest of the Andersons as they watched him from next to the buggies. He didn't see the frown or the suspicious look that Josh sent his way. If he had, maybe he wouldn't have started prancing like a happy puppy on his way through the fields back home.

* * *

**A/N:** I know, my update schedule got all screwed up and I don't seem to be able to fix it. I'll try to make it better and really update once a week, I promise!


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

The week began with heavy rain, forcing people indoors and keeping Kurt and Blaine apart. They only managed to sneak into the downpour for a moment on Monday. The cold drops whispered on the fresh leaves of the oak tree as the boys met under its natural shelter, soaked through and trembling from the chill. The grey rainclouds enveloped the world in an oppressive darkness prematurely making it difficult for the boys to see each other clearly.

'I can't stay, they'll get suspicious,' Blaine said, stopping a foot away from Kurt and eyeing him cautiously. He had an absurd need to hold Kurt, he didn't even care about the rain.

Still he didn't dare move closer. The events of the previous day made getting caught seem much more realistic. Until then, he felt as if nobody could ever see them. Except for God, of course, but all of Blaine's sins were going to be erased in a few months by baptism. Right?

'I can't stay, either,' Kurt answered reluctantly. If they only had a moment, he wanted it to last as long as possible. 'We have to think of something in case it doesn't stop raining. I can't stand not seeing you.'

Kurt could swear Blaine's eyes lit up in the gloom.

'There's a shed on our farm that nobody really uses anymore,' Blaine offered. 'I mean, it's old and all, but it's dry inside.'

'Perfect. Where on the farm?'

'Behind the barn, next to the pigsty.'

Kurt chuckled.

'Okay, fine. We're gonna have dates near the pigsty.'

He tangled his fingers gently with Blaine's, making him gasp in surprise. Kurt's hand was freezing, but that was just another thing that suddenly meant nothing.

'So- All these- meetings- All of them are dates?,' Blaine stuttered.

'For as long as you want them to be.'

'I- I think I do. Want them to be.'

Kurt Smiles softly, before cupping Blaine's neck to pull him in for a kiss. The cold seemed to have disappeared miles away, the dark dispersed around them for the short few seconds they let their lips meet for.

'Same time tomorrow?,' Blaine asked.

'As always.'

* * *

Blaine made sure they had something to sit on by sneaking an old blanket out of the house and into the shed. His family knew about him seeing Kurt, and they weren't all exactly enthusiastic. Despite the fact that the Hershbergers were a well-respected family in the congregation, their adoptive son didn't have an equally impeccable reputation.

It wasn't that Kurt was a bad boy. He had never done anything that would be wrong or evil. He never hurt anyone, never stole anyone's chicken or even an apple from an orchard. Most of the time he was respectful and kind to everyone. His greatest crime was calling out the school teacher on believing in creationism once – which caused a small scandal and discussion all over the Berlin township – and the fact that he wasn't "really" Amish.

Apart from that, few people could appreciate the melodiousness and soft timbre of his voice. Due to that – even though he was the only Kurt in the neighbourhood – there were some who nicknamed him Lady Hershberger. He hated that.

As much as Mrs Anderson found it admirable that her youngest son took it on himself to provide that boy with a kind friend, her husband couldn't share her opinion. The bishop didn't even think twice before calling Kurt a bad influence on his already hard-headed offspring. He suggested Blaine to stop seeing the other boy, but before he could protest, his mother stepped in.

'Let him have a friend while he's still young,' she said with her natural gentility.

And the bishop let it go.

Blaine was sitting cross-legged on the blanket-covered wooden floor of the shed when Kurt snuck inside, shaking droplets of rain off his hat. They exchanged smiles and timid greetings, before Kurt joined his boyfriend on the ground.

'How was your day?,' he asked.

'Normal. Boring.' Blaine shrugged, reaching out for Kurt's hand. 'And yours?'

'Same old, same old. I missed you.'

A blush crept onto Blaine's face.

'You saw me yesterday.'

'Just for a second. Not enough.' Kurt rolled his eyes. 'So I take it you didn't miss me?,' he asked tentatively.

'I did,' Blaine admitted in a small voice. As much as he had tried to get rid of his guilt, some of it persisted within him, reminding him about it in the least appropriate moments. 'Can I ask you something? It's been kinda nagging at me.'

Kurt smiled softly at him, squeezing his hand.

'Anything.'

'Why haven't you been on a Rumspringa? You're always talking about how much you hate this place, how you wanna get out. Why haven't you? By Amish law, you're an adult.'

Kurt let out a sigh.

'Exactly, by _Amish_ law. Rumspringa is for the Amish, I'm not Amish, I don't _feel _Amish,' he explained. 'I wasn't supposed to be here, I was supposed to live in fucking Lima, I was supposed to be English. Stupid chance decided that my mother gave birth to me here and died, and that people thought it would be Christian and benevolent for them to take me in. So, you see, I'm really English, no- American. I'll be an adult in May, when I'm eighteen. I don't want a Rumspringa, I want to get out for good. People usually come back after they'd gotten drunk one time too many. This is why they want to leave at all. To do shit they can't do here, but ultimately they go back, because this is where they belong. And I just don't belong here.'

'What about your family?,' Blaine asked, trying to put everything Kurt had told him in order, without his feelings getting in the way. 'Your adoptive family, I mean.'

'They're gonna disinherit me as soon as I'm out the door. Not that I would care.'

He tried dismissing the statement by waving his free hand, but a flash of sadness crossed his face and Blaine wasn't deceived.

'You do care.'

'Okay, fine, it's gonna suck. But I don't care about Ruth, or Joe, or Joan, or the annoying little fuck Miriam. I wish it wasn't certain that my father, I mean Abraham, is going to shun me.'

'Maybe he won't?,' Blaine offered.

Kurt sent him a sceptical look.'

'He's like the most pious person in the congregation, right after your father. He would be the first one to kick me out the door if he found out about me.'

Blaine frowned. 'So you're not gonna tell them before you leave?'

'It could draw suspicion to you, and you don't want to have to deal with this shit.' Kurt fell silent for a moment, letting Blaine get over the wave of gratitude that flooded him. 'Why haven't you gone on a Rumspringa, though? You're staying in the community, so why not live a little before you're stuck here forever?'

'I am living,' Blaine said. 'Here. This is my Rumspringa. I don't want anything else.'

The corners of Kurt's lips curled up. If someone had told him a month ago that he'd be sitting with Blaine Anderson exchanging sweet silly nonsense, he'd laugh at them. He would have never thought it possible, and yet all it took was one conversation to turn his life around. Now he was just wishing Blaine was willing to leave with him.

'Are you sure this will be enough for you?,' he asked quietly, his gaze stuck to Blaine's hand in his own. His happiness was short-lived. 'I'll be gone in two months.'

'Can we not talk about this now?' The question sounded unusually harsh in Blaine's mouth, startling them both. 'Let's just sit for a while, okay?'

'Okay,' Kurt agreed, pulling himself closer to Blaine and resting his head on the other boy's shoulder. 'But we're going to have to talk about it at some point.'

'I know. It's just that- now's not a good time.'

Kurt lifted his head back up to look at him. Blaine's face could reflect barely a scraping of the conflict and guilt he was feeling. It was as if the two extremes in him were fighting for supremacy, neither giving up. His soul felt like a seared battlefield, filled with the already slain principles that he'd once held so dear. In some parts of him, that army was still winning, in others – its enemy was getting the upper hand. And that triumph was as terrifying as it was beautiful to watch.

'Why isn't it a good time?,' Kurt asked. 'Will there be a good time? Preferably before I leave?'

The stare that was boring into Blaine was almost unbearable, and he hid his face in his hands.

'Kurt, this really isn't easy for me, in case you haven't noticed.'

'I have. And I get it. But-' His voice trailed off for a moment. I need to know if this- if _we_ have a future. If I can let myself get invested in this.'

'A future? You want us to have a future?' Blaine could barely choke the words out in a whisper.

'I do. But it's up to you and what you want. My mind is made up, now it's your turn.'

They froze, looking each other in the eye in a silent conversation. Blaine's expression wavered a few times before he finally shook his head.

'I don't know what I want.'

Kurt nodded slowly with a blank look on his face. He'd hate to show just how deeply those words hurt him. He could get his heart crushed by a bulldozer and he wouldn't notice any difference. Without a word, he stood up, putting his hat back on his head.

'I guess I'll be seeing you around. This Sunday church is at my house, so-'

'What? What about tomorrow?,' Blaine asked desperately, jumping to his feet. He had never intended to make something like this happen.

'I thought you didn't know what you wanted.'

The acid in Kurt's voice stung.

'I want you, I told you that!,' Blaine almost shouted. 'I just- I just-'

His words failed him and he threw his arms up in the air in helplessness.

'You just think this is going to pass,' Kurt spat out. 'You think I'm a phase. Your fucking Rumspringa. Let me tell you one thing: this is not a phase. It definitely isn't one for me. You're either in or we're done. I don't need to have my heart broken before I even start living.'

'I don't want to break your heart.' Blaine's voice was on the verge of giving in.

'It's good to know you know that much. So what is it gonna be?'

'Kurt...'

He was already turning to the door, ready to leave and try to move on from his first failed love story.

'You know where to find me, in case you change your mind. Or make it up, whichever.'

It took this second of seeing Kurt turned away from him, with his hand on the door for Blaine to realise that out of the two painful things, seeing Kurt go was much, much worse. He would rather spend an eternity of guilt and torture than never see those blue eyes light up again.

'I want you. Kurt, I want you,' he said as firmly as he could.

The look on Kurt's face as he turned back to him was an almost impossible mixture of scepticism and hope.

'You want me for two months or for longer? 'Cause I'm not sure I want you for just the two months. It's all or nothing.'

'I don't know, but let me figure this out.'

The pleading look in Blaine's eyes melted Kurt's defences.

'Fine. Either way, in two months, no matter what happens, I'm not saying goodbye to you.'

* * *

**A/N: **If there are any typos or stupid errors, forgive me, I wanted to post the chapter tonight before going to sleep and didn't proofread it thoroughly enough.

Thanks for all and any feedback, I always appreciate it greatly!


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Abraham Hershberger was glad his adoptive son found a friend in the bishop's youngest boy. Kurt had been lonely for most of his short life, never truly embraced by the community as one of their own, so having Blaine around him so much seemed like a huge step forward. It was easy to notice how much happier Kurt looked, how much more often he could be found smiling for no apparent reason.

Only Abraham was convinced Kurt's good mood had something to do with that new-found friendship. Seeing how his wife and children assumed that Kurt must have fallen in love with some girl, initially he kept his mouth shut, waiting for the situation to develop.

Joe, on the other hand, was nagging at Kurt to tell him who was the girl he had a crush on, so that, as the good brother that he thought himself to be, he could ask her out for her.

'There's no girl,' Kurt would consistently answer through clenched teeth.

The oldest of the Hershbergers' children, Joan, whenever she dropped in by her family home with her baby daughter in her arms, would pick up on the subject. She was enjoying her state of being a young wife and mother too much for Kurt's liking. Courting and gossip from the whole township became her favourite topics of conversation, which made her adoptive brother want to puke.

The dinner on Saturday night, though, was when Kurt's life truly turned into a nightmare. It didn't take longer than halfway through the meal for Blaine to be brought up. Kurt froze, cursing internally that he couldn't excuse himself yet. Nobody left the table at the Hershbergers' until everyone was done eating.

'The bishop's son's a nice boy, isn't he?,' Abraham said conversationally to no one in particular.

'He is the bishop's son, after all. He's supposed to be nice,' Ruth reasoned in her sugary voice.

Kurt couldn't help but roll his eyes without speaking a word. Those hypocrites would throw the first stone if they only knew what was really between Blaine and him.

'You don't agree, Kurt?,' Joe cut in.

'Of course I agree, Blaine's a nice guy.' The corners of Kurt's lips curled up unconsciously at the mention of the other boy. 'Who wouldn't agree? He's the bishop's son, after all,' he added with a tone of mockery in his voice.

'You don't have to remind us you don't like the bishop,' Abraham said calmly.

'It's not my fault he has a problem practicing what he preaches.'

Miriam shot him a murderous glare. That was her trademark whenever somebody dared insult a minister.

'Like what?'

'He's a judgemental prick. "You shall do no unrighteousness in judgement"?'

Silence pervaded for a moment, filling the air with tension until Abraham cleared his throat meaningfully.

'Anyway,' he said. 'I used to hope that Joan would set her sights on Cooper or Christian, instead of the Yodel boy, but the heart wants what it wants.'

He glanced lovingly at his wife, before turning to Kurt. There was something in the man's eyes that was impossible to identify.

'Well, they're all married now, so you can forget it.' Kurt shrugged his shoulders.

Abraham smiled at him indulgently.

'But the Andersons, just like us, still have some unwed kids to find proper spouses for.'

Kurt's eyes widened.

'You don't want to get Joe to break up Shannon's engagement? Or-' His breath hitched at the sole thought. 'You don't want _Miriam_ to marry _Blaine_?!'

His voice echoed around the room. He thought he'd already known what the worst case scenario was: having to say goodbye to Blaine in two months time. What he hadn't considered, was leaving Blaine behind in Berlin with the awareness that his pain in the ass sister would get to marry _his boyfriend_. His heart thumped loudly with rage, but he bit his tongue for fear of letting something slip.

'What are you so upset about?,' Joe asked indifferently. 'It's not like you could marry either of them.'

He let out a silly chuckle. Kurt couldn't force himself to join him in his amusement. To Kurt, that was not a topic to laugh about.

'Maybe I just wish someone better for my b- friend,' he said bitterly.

'Don't be mean to your sister,' Ruth said firmly, her sweetness disappearing for a split second. No matter what she ever said, Miriam was her favourite – devout and narrow-minded, following the crowd like a lost lamb.

'I'm just being honest.' Kurt leant back in his chair, still fuming. 'Thought you didn't like lies.'

'And we don't,' Abraham agreed. 'And we also don't like some words you used.'

Kurt gave him another roll of the eyes, making sure Abraham noticed it.

'Fine, I shouldn't have called the bishop a prick. Even though he is one.'

'That is just your opinion,' Ruth reminded him.

'One to which I am perfectly entitled, because we live in America.'

Miriam shook her head violently, her hair almost breaking out of her tight bun in the motion.

'We live in the Berlin Township, we're Amish, this is not really America.'

'Did you miss one too many Geography lessons, sis?,' Kurt asked her sarcastically. 'No matter how much all of you would wish to live on a deserted island, this is as much America as anywhere else in this country.'

'Kids, stop this,' Abraham intervened without raising his voice higher than was absolutely necessary. 'What I was driving at is that the Andersons are a respected, pious family and having them as one of you's in-laws wouldn't hurt.'

Joe cast a timid glance around the table before his muttering broke the silence.

'I was kinda hoping I could ask Rebecca to come to the sing with me tomorrow.'

His father's face lit up.

'That's what I'm talking about. Rebecca's the curly-haired small one, right? I can never tell her apart from Shannon.'

Joseph nodded vigorously, a dreamy look entering his face.

'It seems not only Kurt's been in love lately,' Ruth crooned at the sight.

And for a split second he wished he could laugh in her face, telling her how deeply he'd been falling for Blaine. But he held his tongue, making a grimace at his adoptive mother.

'I'm not in love with anyone,' he lied.

* * *

**A/N:** I know, still haven't got back to my schedule. It seems once it got screwed up, I'm incapable of getting back to it.

And sorry the chapter's so short. I'll try not to make you wait as long for the next one.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

The service was even more of a torture than usually. The boys were sitting just a few yards apart, stealing glances at one another every other minute. Sometimes they would exchange a tiny smile, other times they would have to clench their fists to stop their hands from aching to touch the other boy. Even though they were so close, they felt as if a great distance separated them.

Kurt was still unsure it was prudent for them to be together at all. If Blaine chose being an Amish over him, his heart would break into a million pieces, and no glue could ever be able to put it back together.

At the same time, Blaine was trying to make sense of his feelings. Only no matter how he tried, some things couldn't agree and he was left with an even greater mess in his head than the one he'd started out with. The one things that was certain was that every time he saw Kurt, his heart would flutter and his lips would arch upwards.

If Kurt was a girl, Blaine wouldn't hesitate to call this feeling love. They would probably be courting by now, with a bright Amish future ahead of them.

But the way that they were, they had nothing. They couldn't court one another, they couldn't be together and stay in the congregation, even if they both wanted to. Blaine wished he could call this love, he truly did, but he kept convincing himself that he had no idea what that kind of love felt like.

At lunch, the boys were still forced apart, but Kurt promised Blaine in passing that they would hang out together at the sing later in the afternoon. Blaine was seated next to his oldest brother and his family, and a thought crossed his mind. Cooper's wife Anne was busy talking to her mother-in-law, so Blaine took advantage of the moment when nobody would be listening.

'Cooper?,' he said timidly.

'Hm?' The oldest of the bishop's children raised his eyebrows in question.

'How do you- How did you know you were in love with Anne?'

Cooper chuckled seeing Blaine's unease.

'I don't know, I just knew.' He shrugged. 'Why are you asking? Is there a girl?'

Blaine pursed his lips, regretting not having thought this through.

'Um- Not really. Sort of, but not really,' he stuttered.

His brother sent him a smile.

'I can see there's someone,' he stated. 'But if you don't wanna talk, fine by me, I'll know sooner or later anyway.'

Blaine swallowed loudly in horror. _No, you won't, not ever_, he thought.

'And love is strange, it's this fuzzy feeling that fills you up and makes you happy and miserable at the same time,' Cooper went on. 'It's hard to describe, but when it hits you, you know it.'

'Just like that?,' Blaine asked. His throat clenched uncomfortably.

Cooper shot him a dubious glance.

'What did you expect? Fireworks? Bolts of lightning? I mean- Sometimes it is like that, but normally you just- You look at that one person and you _know_. This is who you want to spend the rest of your life with. And you look at that person and see the most beautiful human being to ever walk the earth.'

Throughout Cooper's elaborate explanations, Blaine was trying to keep his face as blank and devoid of emotion as was possible with the panic that struck him together with giddying happiness.

He had his answer. He knew. He had something to tell Kurt. Maybe not the big poignant L-word yet, but a promise of commitment that could last longer than the few weeks they had left. Maybe he wasn't ready to decide if he wanted to leave the congregation, but he was beginning to consider it a valid option.

Most of all, he was beginning to grasp that the feeling that had been budding in him for months, that now was providing him with the greatest amounts of bliss and hardship he'd ever known, was love. Whether it was wrong or right, sinful or sacred, it was love, plain and simple. Gentle, soft and kind love, filled with understanding and pulling him closer to Kurt than he had ever been to anyone.

Kurt shoved his hands into his pockets angrily, kicking the dirt of the Andersons' driveway up on his way to the front door. There was no way for him to decide what he hated more about this situation: the ridiculousness of asking a girl out for his brother, or the inability for him to come to the very same house to pick his boyfriend up for a date. Both drove him crazy. Why couldn't everyone just let everybody else make their own decisions, without judgement and backbiting? Why was it so hard for these God-abiding Christians, the truest of them all, to live by the simple rule of love thy neighbour?

It crossed Kurt's mind that the only neighbour the Amish loved was one that never stepped his toe outside of the fossilised set of rules the religion put on them.

He ran up the porch steps, wishing to have all of this behind him. He rapped at the door impatiently, before putting his hands together and twisting his fingers. All he hoped was that Rebecca would be the one to answer the door.

The door swung open, revealing a different, much dearer curly head.

'Kurt? What are you doing here?,' Blaine hissed, glancing nervously around. 'I thought we were going to see each other at the sing.'

Kurt grimaced.

'We are. And I didn't come to see you. I came to see Rebecca.'

'Rebecca?' Blaine's eyes widened in horror. He had just made up his mind to basically forsake his principles for Kurt and now it was _Kurt_ who was going back on his word.

'Relax.' Kurt rolled his eyes. 'It's for Joe. You know, the thing that you have to send a brother or a cousin, or a friend to ask someone out?'

Relief swept over Blaine and he let out the breath he didn't know he was holding.

'Right. I guess I forgot about it, 'cause we- we don't really do that.'

The blush that crept onto Blaine's face was so endearing Kurt had to bite down on his lip to stop himself from kissing every inch of the other boy's face.

'Will you get her for me, please?'

Everything had been moved from the centre of the barn at the Hershberger farm to make room for a long table. For Kurt, sings had always been a rare occasion to have at least a little fun in this miserable place. The sings were hosted by the family who housed the church on the given Sunday. They were aimed at unmarried youth, particularly in their mid and late teens. The songs were performed at all such events were – not surprisingly – traditional Amish songs, filled with praise for the Almighty God, though more energetic than those sung at the morning service.

Kurt took advantage of Joe courting an Anderson and got Blaine to ride with them in the Hershbergers' buggy back to the farm. Joe was the one actually driving, while the other three squeezed inside, the boys' sides flush against each other, despite the fact that there was still some room left for them to sit more comfortably. They still didn't dare touch in any other way, even though Rebecca was preoccupied with her clearly joyful thoughts.

When they arrived at the barn, the place was already full, with just a few empty seats at the darkest end of the table. Kurt pulled Blaine by the elbow towards the spot, eagerly leaving an empty space for Joe to his left. To his right-hand side was the dimmest part of the barn, and some things could go unnoticed. As soon as Joseph and Rebecca were settled opposite each other, they were too wrapped up in stammering and blushing to notice anything else. Kurt rolled his eyes at his adoptive brother's poor attempts at flirting.

Those, however, gave Kurt the exact opportunity he needed. With no watchful eyes on them and semi-darkness to give them cover, he was free to slip his hand under the table to find Blaine's hand. They didn't even glance at each other as they locked their fingers together. Everyone around them was busy, singing or talking, and the two stayed virtually motionless, relishing in the peace they had at that moment that was so fleeting.

Gradually the sing grew louder and more enthusiastic, bursting the boys' bubble of quiet. Finally, Blaine nudged at Kurt, pointing in the direction of the door, and they snuck out into the yard without speaking.

They went a little way around the barn, to a spot where they couldn't be seen from the house or the road, even if it was still daylight. As soon as they were out of sight, Blaine took Kurt's hand back into his, startling him.

'You know this is what couples do, right?,' Kurt asked uncertainly.

'Yeah, I do. I thought this was kinda what we were.'

Kurt eyed him with suspicion; he would really hate to misconstrue, but was Blaine saying...?

'So we're a couple.' He paused, picking his words carefully. 'Now, does this relationship have an expiration date?'

'That I still don't know.' Kurt was opening his mouth to cut in, but Blaine wouldn't let him. '_But_ what I _do_ know is that I- I l- I like what we have. I've been trying to see it the way I've been taught, but there's something in how you make me feel that makes it impossible. Like it wasn't wrong.'

He raised his eyes at Kurt hopefully to discover a bright smile on his boyfriend's face.

'Something like that can't be wrong.'

'No?,' Blaine asked.

'No.'

On the other side of the barn the gate opened and a peel of a girl's laughter echoed in the air, followed by a muffled male voice. They couldn't make out the words, but the other couple had clearly snuck out to get a little alone time too.

Kurt put a finger to his lips and tug Blaine closer.

'You know what's funny?,' he whispered.

'I don't,' Blaine replied, matching the other boy's voice in volume.

'That most of them will never be as happy as I am with you.;

Blaine dropped his gaze shyly, inching closer to Kurt.

'Or like I'm with you.'

'You're happy with me? Even though it's against your faith? Even though we have to hide?,' Kurt asked hopefully.

'I don't really care about these things when I'm with you.'

There was no more than half an inch between their faces now, eyes boring deeply into each other, glasz into hazel.

'What do you care about, then?'

'I just want to see you smile,' Blaine said. 'It's like you light up with that smile. I don't know if I could ever forgive myself if I took that smile away.'

Kurt's breath hitched.

'Then, I guess, why not agree not to ever find out?'

* * *

**A/N:** As I said in yesterday's update of _Puzzle Pieces_, life's continuing to get in the way of my fanfiction endevours. I'll try to fight it more effectively in the nearest future, but no guarantee can be given.

Thank you for being patient with me!


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

'Don't you think we should get back?,' Blaine murmured against Kurt's lips.

The evening around them was quiet, except for the muffled voices, laughter and songs coming from the barn.

'No,' Kurt groaned. 'I like it here.'

'People might get suspicious.'

They both hated the hiding. Being this ecstatic and being completely unable to show it without messing up their lives was the worst part of their budding relationship. It wasn't that they wanted to show off, to rub their love in other people's faces. They simply wished they could let the world see how proud they were to be with one another.

'I guess you're right,' Kurt admitted finally with a sigh.

He pulled Blaine by the hand, stealing one more kiss in passing, and they made their way to the barn gate.

'Can you imagine their faces if we walked in like this?,' Kurt said lightly, holding up their locked hands.

In spite of himself, Blaine barked out a laugh.

'This wasn't funny,' he protested, still giggling.

'It was. A little. The view would be spectacular.'

He pushed the door open, forgetting he hadn't actually let go of Blaine's hand. The sudden feeling of something being missing made him turn to his boyfriend with an apologetic look.

'It's fine. I don't think anybody noticed,' Blaine whispered in his ear.

'I'm sorry anyway. I should've been more careful.'

'Come on, let's get some food,' Blaine suggested, pulling Kurt closer, holding him gingerly by the elbow.

'Okay. I need something to occupy my mouth, so that I don't kiss you,' Kurt whispered leaving to Blaine and making his cheeks turn brightly red.

Josh was standing alone in a dingy corner of the barn, where he could watch everyone without being seen. He wasn't a big fan of sings, but he always found it interesting how much one could find out from observing other people's interactions. That was why he wasn't surprised in the slightest when Joe Hershberger wanted to ask his sister out. He knew who liked whom and which people hated each other's guts.

This time, it was his younger brother that drew his attention most of the evening. At least, whenever Blaine wasn't disappearing outside. Walking out of the barn would be a risk of someone noticing Josh, and he didn't like the idea.

But every time the gate opened, his eyes were immediately fixed on that spot. Mostly it would be some engaged couple sneaking out for a moment or groups of girls going out to get some air. And then, there were Kurt and Blaine.

For whatever reason, they were walking extremely close to each other, their shoulders brushing, their eyes barely checking the way in front of them, too busy staring at one another. They disappeared for a good half hour and Josh waited. There was something oddly familiar about the way they acted around each other. Something he'd both seen countless times and never witnessed before.

When the two boys eventually appeared back in the barn, Josh was still watching vigilantly. It was quite dark at the entrance, but he caught Blaine jerking his hand out of Kurt's. They exchanged a look and whispered something to each other, before going back to the tabled with Josh's eyes staying glued to them.

There was hardly any space left between the two when they settled on the wooden bench. Their arms were flush against each other, their eyes invariably fixed on the other's face. They barely looked at the food standing before them. They were talking and laughing, the outside world almost completely forgotten.

Josh squinted, his suspicion steadily growing. It seemed he had no choice but to talk to his brother about this.

Blaine went to bed right after coming back from the sing. He'd never had so much fun at any of those, and since he couldn't be with Kurt anymore, he wanted to at least have a moment to daydream about him before falling asleep.

Only he couldn't have known that his brother would have other plans.

'Blaine?,' Josh started. 'What's going on with you and Kurt Hershberger?'

Grateful that he was turned away from Josh, Blaine took a deep calming breath. This was nothing, it meant nothing.

'We're friends,' he answered with a one-shoulder shrug.

'You looked awfully cosy at the sing,' Josh went on, cautiously choosing his words.

'Really? Huh,' Blaine mumbled with fake astonishment. 'I mean, we are- close friends.'

Josh snorted.

'Close, huh? Since when?'

Blaine turned onto his back, glaring at his brother. There was an evil spark in Josh's eyes. For once Blaine knew exactly why Kurt called the Amish judgemental hypocrites. A lot of people in the congregation thought Josh the most likely to become the perfect minister as soon as he's old enough. And he was definitely not in perfect concord with all the commandments.

'Since recently,' Blaine snapped. 'And it's none of your business.'

'How so? I don't want people to think that my brother is a sodomite.'

Blaine's chest constricted uncomfortably.

'What do you care what they say about me?,' he said. His voice almost broke.

No one was supposed to suspect anything. Fucking Josh and his nosiness. Now everything could come out, get them shunned and universally hated, and what for? A couple of stolen kisses? Were they really worth all that?

As soon as those thoughts crossed Blaine's mind, he wished he could punch himself for ever letting himself think them. He had never been this happy in his life, and it was all thanks to Kurt. It wasn't about the kissing or anything physical really. It was about the warmth that spread over Blaine's heart every time Kurt looked at him with that bright smile of his.

'I happen to care what people think about our family,' Josh spat. 'And you better not be an ungrateful little piece of horse dung. Don't you remember you're the bishop's son? You could make Father look bad.'

'Well, _he_ doesn't have a problem criticising _me_ in public,' Blaine replied icily. 'Why should I care about how people see him?'

''Cause he's our father!'

Blaine snorted, shifting back to his side.

'And – a tip for the future – don't ever say a word about me and Kurt, 'cause you have no idea about it.'

'But if you're such _close _friends, why don't you invite him over some time?,' Josh asked, his attempt at hiding the venom in his voice futile.

'I don't know if you've noticed, but Father hates him.'

'Convince him he's wrong,' the older of the brothers insisted.

Blaine jumped up on the bed, worked up into a rage.

'Have you ever seen him getting convinced by anyone? About anything?,' he almost shouted. 'What Jeremiah Anderson thinks is right is right, end of fucking story! I could give him ample proof that Kurt is a good person and a great friend, and he still wouldn't change his mind.'

Josh looked at him scornfully, his eyebrows pulling together.

'Since when do you swear?'

'I don't.'

'I'm pretty sure you just swore. A word that starts with an "f"?'

With another glare at his brother, Blaine threw himself back onto his pillows.

'You pissed me off.'

'And there's another one. Not to mention that you're very touchy about Kurt.'

'That's what you do for your friends, you defend them,' Blaine mumbled. 'Not that you could know that, nobody can stand you.'

Josh laughed mockingly.

'So you defend your friend like a lioness her cub, but you insult your own brother? Nice.'

'I wouldn't have if you didn't give me a reason to.'

Neither added anything, leaving the room in a charged silence.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, Blaine sucks at being inconspicuous.

I'll try to keep up with updating once a week, but - again - no guarantees, 'cause RL might interfere again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

'Josh is suspecting something,' Blaine said quietly.

The rattle of rain on the roof of the shed almost drowned the words. They'd been sitting there for a half hour barely talking at all and listening to the raging storm outside.

'What is he suspecting?,' Kurt asked, his voice choked up by the lump that appeared in his throat out of nowhere.

'I don't know exactly. He's been asking about our friendship and all that, and-' His eyes flickered nervously up to Kurt's.

'And?'

Blaine bit his lip and dug his fingernails into the flesh of his palms. It hurt.

'He said he doesn't want people to think I'm a sodomite.'

Horror struck Kurt the second the full meaning of it sank in. If Josh's suspicions got any worse, or if somebody else started saying things like that, in the worst case scenario the two of them had maybe a couple of days left. Because what if someone did figure it out? Whether it was Josh or anybody else, it didn't really matter much.

'What are you gonna do?,' Kurt asked. 'If he tells anyone...'

His voice broke and he buried his face in his hands hopelessly.

'You know Josh, people won't listen to him,' Blaine calmed him. 'They know he's a jerk. Remember when he said one of the Yodel girls gave birth to a kid on her Rumspringa? It was all nonsense, nobody's gonna believe him.'

Kurt eyed him sceptically.

'Nobody bought it, 'cause Kathy Yodel's a freaking prude and it was utter bullshit. But if he tried to convince people I'm gay, they'd probably have less problem believing it.' Blaine stayed quiet, unable to counter his argument convincingly. A flash of panic crossed Kurt's eyes. 'Do you think we should stop this? Seeing each other?'

Blaine put his hands on Kurt's shoulders, shaking his head vigorously.

'No, if we stopped seeing each other now, we would be handing Josh proof on a silver platter.'

'What are we gonna do, then?'

'Keep a little more distance when we're in public? What else can we do?'

They exchanged a sad look and Kurt sighed.

'Nothing. Keeping distance it is. But just in public, right?'

A mischievous spark danced in his eyes as he pulled Blaine closer.

'Yeah, just in public,' Blaine agreed.

It felt safe to hold each other in the cramped shed, cut off from the world by its walls and the streams of rain pouring from the sky. They felt like no one could ever find them, like no one could ever discover their secret and take their happiness away from them. But such moments were as wonderful as they were fleeting. This time at least they had the excuse of the thunderstorm to stay inside.

They lay down on the blanket-covered floor, Kurt watching Blaine with unceasing amazement. From time to time, a lightning would cross the sky, illuminating the dim inside of the shed for split seconds through a tiny window just below the roof. The light gave Blaine some kind of strange, unearthly quality.

'I really don't wanna lose you,' Kurt said unexpectedly.

'I know. I don't want that either.'

Kurt shifted to his back with a sigh.

'But you can't promise me that I won't.'

'You have to understand this is tougher for me than it is for you,' Blaine pleaded.

'Because you were born to Amish parents? But I thought you didn't feel like you belonged.'

'I don't. But to the family, not the congregation.'

Sitting up abruptly, Kurt scoffed.

'You're the bishop's son, isn't that like one and the same?'

'Not exactly. I mean- the congregation is something else. It's like a support system. They give you things to believe in and lift your spirits up.'

'By shunning and kicking you out if they ever know the truth?'

'Then you see my problem. I could leave my family for you, but my faith- I don't know if I can abandon it for- earthly happiness.'

'You deserve to be happy, Blaine,' Kurt said quietly. 'And good merciful God shouldn't be keeping you from that.'

'But my whole life I was taught differently,' Blaine chuckled bitterly. 'And I don't know what to believe anymore – what I've believed all these years, or what my brain is trying to tell me now?'

Kurt turned around to read his expression; it was one of helplessness and confusion.

'And if you believed what your brain is telling you, what would you do?'

'I'd get out of here with you.' There was not a hint of hesitation in his voice. 'But I don't want to stop believing everything they've ever taught me. I want to keep believing there's a heaven I can get into if I'm a good person.'

'You are a good person, Blaine. And I can bet that if they have that club up there, when you arrive at that gate in the clouds, you're gonna have a place waiting for you.'

There was nothing Blaine wanted to believe more than this.

'Do you think I could get there if I left with you?'

Kurt shrugged.

'I'm no minister, but I'm pretty sure that guy up there wouldn't have made us the way we are if he didn't have a good reason. Assuming he's there at all.'

'And you honestly think we were born like this? Liking boys instead of girls?'

'How else could you explain it? There is no other explanation, it just happens. It's nobody's fault and nobody's sin. More like proof that if that old bearded guy exists, he has a very strange sense of humour.'

Blaine sat up next to Kurt, resting his head on the other boy's shoulder. It felt more comforting than anything else.

'I'd rather believe God is good, you know? Good incarnated. I hope he's not some bitter guy that would let his children suffer.'

'Maybe he's not like that,' Kurt said, musing. 'Maybe he's pissed what people made out of the things he was trying to tell them. Sometimes I feel like all those "good Christians",' he lifted his hands to show air quotes, 'don't remember Christ's most important lesson. "Love thy neighbour" and all that. No, all they can do is hate and judge, and throw the first stone. Without turning the other cheek, without love or atonement. They think they live closer to God by not driving cars or not using electricity, but how can they live close to what is supposed to be pure goodness if they can kick someone out of their lives for choosing something else? Not anything wrong, just different?'

His question hung in the air, unanswered and heavy in the silence. Blaine wanted to protest, to find arguments to the contrary, but in searching his memory, he found that in many respects, Kurt was undeniably right.

'I thought you didn't believe in God and you make a better case for the true foundation of Christianity than most Amish ministers. My father included.'

'I don't believe in God. I never really have, probably never will.' Kurt shrugged, turning his face to his boyfriend. 'But it doesn't mean that I find the whole concept of Christianity stupid or ridiculous. Sure, I don't think corpses can come back to life or whatever, but I do think that we should have as much acceptance for other people as for ourselves, and wish them as well as we wish ourselves. Isn't that what it means to be a decent human being?

'It is,' Blaine agreed.

'See? It doesn't matter who you love, as long as you're fair to people.'

They froze for a second, both stunned by that one tiny word that at the same time was gigantic, much too big for the shed and their happy little bubble. It suddenly felt awkward to sit this close, to be looking back at each other, but they couldn't turn their eyes away.

'L-love?,' Blaine choked out finally.

'You know what I mean,' Kurt mumbled. 'Like- have a crush on- this sort of thing.'

'But you said love.' His voice was insistent. 'Do you- Do you think that what- what we have- that this is love?'

Blaine bit his lip, glancing at Kurt furtively, and letting his eyes escape every other second before turning back to his boyfriend again.

'What I think is much less important than what you think about this. If I asked you to name whatever you feel for me, what would you call it?' Kurt's voice quivered slightly.

'Love,' Blaine muttered, suddenly fascinated by the pattern of fibres on the blanket.

Kurt felt as if his chest was exploding from the unexpected profession of affection.

'Me too,' he said. 'I mean, if that's what you're trying to say, then I love you, too.'

* * *

**A/N:** I feel like all my A/Ns lately are lists of excuses for why I didn't update on schedule. This is another one of those. I was finishing my M.A. thesis and was busy with uni-related things. Now I should be finishing writing _Puzzle Pieces_ and working on _WWB_, but today all I could do was revise this chapter, 'cause I'm sick.

So, life's not really helping. But what _is_ helping is that _you're reading this and apparently kinda liking the story_! Thank you, guys! I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you!


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

The boys did what they could not keep the confessions they've shared and the feelings behind them secret. As the weather grew warmer and sunnier with the coming of April, they started spending more of their time together, helping each other out in their daily chores. People would comment that it seemed they'd made friends for life and Kurt would chuckle under his breath, correcting them in his mind that Blaine was a partner for life.

Josh's suspicions seemed to have waned as he watched them joke around and bicker much like any other boys he knew. And somehow the distance Kurt and Blaine had to keep around others brought them closer together. Now they were truly becoming the friends they were reckoned to be.

The difference could be seen only when they were alone. And they did their best to make sure no one would ever catch them red-handed.

On the second Sunday of April, to Bishop Anderson's unconcealed discontent, Blaine decided to stay home instead of going to the neighbouring village for service. His guilt was significantly less powerful than he would have expected, but it still tugged at his insides a little as he made his way through the greening fields to Kurt's house. As much as he was sure of his feelings for Kurt, what he felt about his faith and abandoning it was another matter. For now he was hanging in the balance, striving with all his might to somehow be both, to have both. But the slightest wind from either direction threatened to make him lose that strenuously maintained balance, and fall so far down he wouldn't be able to recognise himself anymore, whichever side he would land upon.

Still, if he was going to stay behind, he wanted to spend with Kurt as much time as was possible. Simultaneously, he couldn't stop his brain from nagging at him for that. The more time they had together, the more tantalising their separation was likely to prove in case Kurt left on his own. Blaine tried chasing those thoughts away by reminding himself the agony of not being with Kurt for longer than a minute. He would deal with the other problem later; for now he wanted to push it far, far away from him.

Kurt was worried about the same thing, only he had no power over what was going to happen. As much as he wanted to somehow convince Blaine to leave the Berlin Township with him, he knew full well how much he would hate himself for forcing his boyfriend to do anything against his will. It tortured him to be this helpless and to have so little time left in the worst case scenario, but he knew how much more it would torment him to see Blaine unhappy because of him.

He waited for Blaine, sitting at the front steps, and smiled crookedly at him as soon as the other boy emerged from behind the corner of the house.

'Hi,' Blaine said with a timid little wave of his hand.

The grin on Kurt's face widened, as he stood to his feet to go back inside the house.

'Hi.'

Kurt entered first, holding the door open for Blaine, glad he could offer such a small courteous gesture without anybody noticing from the outside. Once they were safely locked in, he slipped his fingers into Blaine's hand and led him up the creaking steep wooden staircase to his tiny room in the attic.

Apart from a simple narrow bed, the furniture of the room consisted of nothing more than a small chest of drawers and a chair. The sloping ceiling wouldn't allow anything more, even if Kurt needed it.

The bed was only wide enough for the two of them if they pressed their chests together and tangled their legs, but for an unknown reason that was the most comfortable they'd ever felt. They were lying fully clothed, tracing fingers on each other's faces as if to try and remember every feature better, to map every inch of skin, to be able to imagine every contour of the other's body whenever they close their eyes. They never said it out loud, but they were both doing this in case.

In case they were left with just their memories.

Kurt was playing with a stray curl that fell to Blaine's forehead when the latter broke the contended silence.

'Can I ask you something?,' Blaine said timidly.

'Why are you even bothering to ask me _that_? Of course you can.'

'It's about your mom- and your dad. The real ones?,' he added, even though Kurt caught his drift without it and sat up on the bed. 'I mean, I know that your mom had an accident and that was why you ended up- you know-'

Kurt nodded slowly, gazing off into space. Suddenly, he seemed like he was drifting somewhere in the distance, apart from Blaine, torn away from everything, belonging nowhere. The way he'd used to feel until recently. He pushed the feeling away.

'I don't know too many details either,' he said. 'Actually, I know very little.'

Without looking at Blaine, he slipped to the floor and reached his hand under his bed. A moment later, he took out a small wooden box from under it and placed it on top of his duvet. Blaine moved to make room for the box and sat down on the floor on the other side of the bed.

'What I know is that she was driving through the township,' Kurt started. 'Apparently, she was going too fast and her car crashed. I don't think it was a serious accident, but she was far along and she went into labour because of the stress. That's what Ruth says anyway. They never told me where exactly it happened, but I gathered it was somewhere near the farm. I mean, it only makes sense and there's this one walnut tree- on the left-hand side of the house if you're coming up the road? Its bark's scraped in one place, pretty low on the trunk. Like something crashed into it. I think that's where it happened.

'They've always acted like they didn't want me to ask questions. Well, Ruth has. Abraham's just been keeping his mouth shut because of her, I guess. But he gave me this,' he gestured at the box. 'This is everything they gathered from her things after the crash. I'm not even sure they knew exactly what they gave me.'

'What do you mean?,' Blaine interrupted him with a frown.

Kurt smirked at him and lifted the lid.

The box was full of random things which initially looked like trash. Only on second thought Blaine started distinguishing shapes in the haphazardly arranged stack of papers and fabric. There was a pink scarf, made of a synthetic material and printed with small blue flowers; Kurt took it out gingerly, as if worried it would rip to shreds at the slightest touch, and placed it next to the box, revealing some more of its contents. A battered paperback copy of _Pride and Prejudice_, a worn faux leather wallet, and finally a creased photograph.

Kurt's fingers stopped for a moment over the picture before he took it out and handed it to Blaine.

'It's them.'

The people in the photograph were young and unabashedly happy; the man, wearing a baseball cap and a plaid shirt, had his eyes only for the petit woman he had wrapped in one of his arms. His gaze was so full of love it, the emotion overflowed from the frame. And the woman, Kurt's mother, radiated with joy, as if she couldn't believe she got to have him by her side. Her son resembled her in many ways, so that she seemed almost familiar to Blaine. Carefully, he turned the picture in his hands to see if there was anything on the back. Written in a nice clear hand were two names: _Elizabeth & Burt_, followed by the date _July, 1993_.

'They look so in love,' Blaine said, musing how it could have happened that ten months later Elizabeth ended in the middle of Amish country alone, giving birth to her son. 'But she- you mom- she died, didn't she?'

He extended his hand to pass the picture back to Kurt, who took it with utmost care, and ran his eyes for the millionth time over his parents' faces.

'Yes.' Even though he never got to meet her, and he never truly lost her, talking about her was challenging. 'Something went wrong, they couldn't stop the bleeding and couldn't get help to her in time. When someone finally got to the phone* and got an ambulance, it was too late. All they could do was pick up the body and call child services. And then Ruth and Abraham told them they'd want to adopt me. And they did.' He shrugged, but his face was anything but indifferent. This was the saddest Blaine had ever seen him. 'In a way, you know, I'm glad and grateful that they did. I just wish things were different. I'm glad I didn't end up in an orphanage or the foster system. But then, I just wish my mom didn't die. Or they knew who my father was. All they had to go on was his first name and a good bet that he was from Lima, 'cause my mom's last known permanent address was in Lima and she left there in early September 1993. They wouldn't bother looking for him.'

'So that's all you know?,' Blaine asked gently.

Kurt nodded and wiped away a tear that spilled from one of his eyes. He placed the picture together with the other things back in the box and placed the lid securely on top of it. Before he could return it to its place, Blaine caught his hand on the closed box.

'You're going to find your dad. I'm sure of it. Even if it's going to take time, you will find him,' he said with conviction. 'We'll find him.'

Bewildered, Kurt raised his wet eyes from their linked hands to Blaine.

'What do you mean "_we'll_ find him"? Do you mean what I think you mean?,' he mumbled.

Blaine bit his lip in hesitation. Did he really mean it? Did he somehow make up his mind without realising it? Was it ever even his decision to be made? Or was it being decided completely outside of himself from the very beginning? Could he ever really decide anything else?

'I- I guess I do,' he stuttered finally. 'And anyway, I want you to be happy. You'll never be happy here, so if I can help you search for your happiness, I will do it. Whether this happiness will include me or not in the long run.'

'Why?' Kurt frowned. 'Why would you want to help me if you wouldn't stay?'

'Because I love you.'

Kurt barked out a laugh through his freshly welling up tears, getting to his feet abruptly and breaking the connection of their hands.

'You don't get it, do you? I don't think there is a happiness for me in the long run that wouldn't include you.' He turned to the window to hide his tears from Blaine as they started to flow freely. 'You'll never get it.'

Before he knew it, Blaine was standing behind him, his arms holding him in a firm embrace, his chin propped in the nook made up of Kurt's neck and shoulder, fitting so perfectly like it was its designated place.

'I only don't get it, 'cause I don't know how I could ever be so lucky,' he whispered. 'I've been trying to search my heart and my mind about this whole mess. You know it's been tough for me. But I've been becoming surer and surer about this- I don't think I could ever be happy without you, either.'

'So you'll leave with me?' Kurt's voice was small and hopeful.

'I will. I will.'

* * *

* There is usually just one phone in an Amish village, for emergencies only. It's a little like a phone booth for the whole village.

* * *

**A/N:** In case you don't know, I finished publishing another story this week, _Puzzle Pieces_.

For the first time since I started publishing my fics, I have nothing written ahead. So you'll have to count on the amount of time and inspiration I will be able to get on a weekly basis, but I'll try to keep up with an update a week. Especially since I just have one unfinished fic now.


	12. Chapter 12

**Chapter 12**

The following weeks were full of planning. For the first time Kurt let his mind wander, imagining his life with Blaine, where they would go and what they would do once they are free of the limitations of the community. Those were all beautiful visions of a bright future that lay ahead of them, exciting and flawless. There were going to be troubles waiting for them, but they would handle them together, always supporting each other in all and every way possible.

But there were also less joyful images entering his mind from time to time. He was trying to be optimistic about his search for his biological father, yet he was aware that there was no guarantee of success. Or, even if he found the man, he couldn't be sure Burt would believe Kurt was his son (Kurt himself was only about eighty per cent sure of that) or that he'd be willing to accept him as family.

Their greatest worry, however, was money. They had a pretty vague notion of how expensive life in the outside world was, and there was no way of knowing how long it would take them to find Kurt's father. Without knowing his last name, they were looking at months, even if he really lived in Lima. In the meantime, they had to be able to sustain themselves, and once they left, they couldn't count on their families anymore. Kurt had been planning to leave for years, so he'd been saving all the money that he ever earned for the sole purpose of getting himself through the rough first months on his own. Luckily for him – and probably unbeknownst to Ruth and Abraham – among his mother's things was a small stack of ruffled tens and twenties, amounting to a couple of hundred dollars. Even if it wasn't much, it was always a start.

Everybody in the neighbourhood had already found out about the friendship that blossomed between the bishop's youngest boy and the Hershbergers' adopted son, so nobody was particularly surprised when in the middle of April they volunteered to help in building a house for the newest wedded couple in the congregation. Jacob and Martha Miller were second cousins in a family that for decades kept their marriages strictly between relatives, so that their land would stay more or less undivided. Bigger farms meant more produce to be sold, and Millers held a stall at a Millersburg farmers market, which brought them quite high earnings. The fact that the Millers offered actual money for the work on their house – since their own family members were too busy with their sizeable farm – convinced Kurt and Blaine to seize the chance to get ahead with their savings.

The job also meant that they had less time to simply enjoy each other's company, although now it didn't seem like every second could be the last one anymore. Everyone – whether they liked it or not – got used to their close friendship soon enough, and nobody raised a question, even if some birthed in people's minds. The boys' families weren't always approving or devoid of suspicion, but the answers Kurt and Blaine gave whenever asked about the other one were always unwavering, steady and provided without breaking eye contact. Blaine was uncomfortable with lying, especially to the people who'd spent their lives trying to raise him right, but the alternative was far worse.

May came, reminding the boys that their lives were to end in a matter of a few short weeks. The waiting filled Kurt with excitement and thrill; this was all he'd ever wanted, find out where he came from and where he truly belonged. Blaine was much more apprehensive about leaving, but he'd made up his mind, and with every passing day, he found it harder to imagine his life without Kurt in it.

On the Friday of their third week of working at the Millers' house, they dragged their feet tiredly to the barn on the Hershberger farm, the closest of the buildings on the family's property. The evening was quite late, so they expected it to be empty.

They slopped to a stack of hay in exhaustion, just to rest for a while and spend a while together without other people's eyes on them. They still had details of their departure left to plan, but at that moment, they were too tired to put their thoughts together.

'Where has the time gone?,' Kurt groaned. 'There was so much of it left and now it feels like we're completely unprepared.'

'We still have over three weeks,' Blaine told him comfortingly. 'We'll get done with the Millers' house and then we'll have time to plan. It's gonna be okay.'

He propped himself on his elbow, sending Kurt a smile.

'You're ridiculously optimistic, Blaine Anderson,' Kurt said, teasing. 'Have you figured out what you're going to tell your parents, though? Still nothing better than "I'm gonna go with Kurt for Rumspringa?"'

Blaine sighed, falling back to the hay.

'What else can I tell them? I'd rather just leave and let them think it's 'cause I want to drive a car, rather than tell them "Mom, Dad, I want to sleep with boys".'

'Hey, what is that supposed to mean? _Boys_? Plural?,' Kurt asked, raising his eyebrow and sitting up to look at Blaine with faked jealousy.

'You can always dump me.' Blaine shrugged, holding back a smile.

Kurt pretended to think about it for a moment, before leaning over Blaine, whose wide, sparkling hazel eyes followed his every movement.

'I don't think I'm that stupid. I can see no dumping in the foreseeable future,' he said.

'Good.'

At that, Blaine cupped Kurt's neck in his hand, pulling him down to his lips, kissing him hungrily. Spending days on end without being allowed the slightest touch or the tiniest of pecks was agonising, especially when he couldn't escape the delicious look of Kurt, sweaty from exertion, his perfectly shaped muscles visible even under the baggy Amish clothes. Those full pink lips were begging to be kissed and Blaine had to use all of his willpower to stop himself from succumbing to their allure.

So when he was finally free to give in, his exhaustion faded away. Having Kurt in his arms felt like a source of power to him, and he never wanted to let him go.

By now, they had discovered many little things about each other and they gladly put this knowledge to use. Blaine knew Kurt enjoyed being kissed on the neck; Kurt figured out that kissing Blaine on and around his collarbones made him groan in pleasure (it also was the best way to make sure he would get hard, which gave Kurt profound satisfaction). Those were details, but Kurt and Blaine were quite sure nobody else had ever known them. All the embarrassment and timidity of their first few kisses had vanished entirely, their hands were becoming more and more daring in their explorations, tugging at shirts and unfastening buttons.

It wasn't that all they ever did when they were alone was making out. They could spend hours simply talking, with no more physical contact than the touch of the fingers. But once their mouths found each other, hours could pass without them noticing. Kurt had no idea why, but Blaine's presence in his arms, his smell lingering on his skin and in his nostrils, and his taste persistent in his mouth made him feel safe like never before.

And Blaine learnt that there was nothing that made him happier than the sight of Kurt's smile and that sparkle that entered the glasz eyes whenever Kurt caught him staring.

'I love you,' Kurt murmured against Blaine's lips, opening his eyes only to see the bliss on the other boy's face.

'I love you, too.'

They sunk into another kiss smiling, Blaine's hands roaming up Kurt's chest and fumbling with his shirt. All of their senses were focused just on them right there, lying in the hay, with their hormones raging, hearts beating fast, but still in sync. There was nothing else that existed for them in that moment, they cared for nothing else than the sweet, sweet taste of young love and freedom.

And that was their mistake.

'What in hell-?,' a voice sounded in the barn, muffled with shock, but still audible enough to make Kurt and Blaine jump apart.

'Josh! No-!,' Blaine choked out, his lips still pulsating and swollen from kissing. He wanted to tell his brother this wasn't what he thought it was, but that would have been a blatant falsehood, so he broke off the sentence.

He expected Josh to scream, to explode with rage into a million pieces, and get the whole neighbourhood to gather round to see Blaine and Kurt's humiliation. Kurt simply froze, his shirt half unbuttoned and ruffled, but he'd imagined this happening a hundred times before, and his expectations were similar to his boyfriend's.

Joshua, however, chose to surprise them. He didn't start screaming. He didn't start off by calling them names. He didn't run out to get all the neighbours to humiliate them.

'Friend, Blaine, huh?,' he said mockingly. 'You two were hiding pretty well these past few weeks, though, I have to give you that.'

'Go to hell!,' Kurt told him through clenched teeth.

Josh couldn't hold back a jeering chuckle.

'Oh, I'm not the one going to hell, believe me, Mr. My-Mommy-Abandoned-Me.'

Kurt balled up his hands into fists, barely resisting the urge to punch Josh.

'What do you want?,' Blaine asked, trembling with rage and fear.

'Me?,' Joshua said innocently. 'I want nothing. Just my family not to be disgraced by a thankless faggot.'

With that, he turned on his heel and walked out of the barn. Horrified, Blaine jumped to his feet, speeding after his brother.

'Josh! Stop!'

* * *

**A/N:** You're probably gonna hate me for the cliffhanger already, but I have to tell you that I'm not sure how soon I'll be able to update next. (Blame the fact that I have a thesis to defend in less than two weeks, and also you can blame _Doctor Who._)


End file.
